I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Perhaps because, for the first time in a little while, I’ve allowed myself to get slightly caught up in them again.
The wonderful thing about the last six months of focusing on myself and my fitness and career goals is that I’ve been able to relatively distance myself from my wonky emotions and lead a fairly regimented and orderly life. Feelings…emotions…they can be chaos to a woman like me, and if I am to accomplish anything necessary and greater for myself, I’ve learned that I have to push them aside at times. I have to use the logical part of my brain, you know, the reasonable part that actually accomplishes tasks and doesn’t spend countless hours obsessing about imaginary things that I could have said in a serious conversation I had two months before.
It’s not a “bitterness” thing. It’s not a “I never want to feel anything ever again” thing. It’s not a “entering isolation mode” thing.
It’s simply that I know enough about myself to realize how much I can lead with my emotions in almost every situation, how I can allow passion, drama, romanticism, optimism and my persistent sensitivity to practically everything lead so much of my life and my decisions.
Don’t get me wrong…being a passionate person has had its advantages. It has made me a creative person, and I am a better writer and artist because of how intensely I am able to feel things. I have many wonderful relationships because of the love that I am able to give in them and receive in them. I am able to be inspired totally within the depths of my soul, and in turn, inspire others to the same level of emotion. My passions have led me to corners of the world I never thought I’d see, to meet people I never thought I’d know, and to do things I never thought I’d accomplish. Essentially, my ability to feel so vastly has driven me to go after all the things my heart has desired, despite anything that might have been considered an obstacle.
But on the other edge of the blade, I have known great disappointment. In life, it doesn’t take too long to realize that you can’t ride a wave of positive emotion all the time. At some point, your feet have to touch the sand. And I can’t tell you how many times I have stood alone with my toes in the sand and looked with longing at the waves.
Perhaps what I am really feeling right now is fear. I think I’m feeling fearful of feeling anything again, if that makes any stinking sense at all. I said in a post a little while ago that in many ways, I don’t trust myself. And I’m pretty sure that still holds true.
I have, on numerous occasions, allowed my heart and my emotions to make decisions that my brain normally wouldn’t. This isn’t a unique scenario, it’s part of being human, and we’ve all done it at some point in our lives. I’ve just seemed to do it with a little more regularity than others, and to be honest, I’m doubting that I’m ready to take a chance on myself again. Have I learned my lesson? Am I smart enough to get through it this time around? Will I be able to make better decisions? Can I avoid getting hurt?
Logically, I know you can’t ever truly avoid getting hurt. When you put your faith and your feelings into others, you are always going to gamble a bit with your heart. I know I’ve been the kind of person who has been too ready to put my faith in people that really haven’t earned that right yet. I know I have been willing to go beyond for people who have just not been willing to put in the same kind of effort. And I know I have expected certain people in my life to have the same heart as me, which, I suppose, has been just a little bit unreasonable on my part.
I guess all I can hope is that, someday, I won’t be the only one taking a chance, and somehow, my heart and my head can meet in the middle.