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Curvy in California

A Life Without Curves Is Just A Straight Line

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9.16.2016 ~ Meeting in the Middle…

I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Perhaps because, for the first time in a little while, I’ve allowed myself to get slightly caught up in them again.

The wonderful thing about the last six months of focusing on myself and my fitness and career goals is that I’ve been able to relatively distance myself from my wonky emotions and lead a fairly regimented and orderly life. Feelings…emotions…they can be chaos to a woman like me, and if I am to accomplish anything necessary and greater for myself, I’ve learned that I have to push them aside at times. I have to use the logical part of my brain, you know, the reasonable part that actually accomplishes tasks and doesn’t spend countless hours obsessing about imaginary things that I could have said in a serious conversation I had two months before. Continue reading “9.16.2016 ~ Meeting in the Middle…”

1.26.2016 ~ You Are NOT The Problem, Boo

I can’t even begin to describe the absolutely amazing women who are a part of my life.  And I’m not even saying that because they’re my besties, my family, and I love them with all my heart.  I’m saying that because it’s an empirical fact.  They are strong, brave, courageous, adventurous, independent, educated, well-traveled, well-spoken, talented, gorgeous, and absolutely hilarious women. Continue reading “1.26.2016 ~ You Are NOT The Problem, Boo”

3.15.2015 ~ Relationships Are Hard…

By the time the 3rd ex called, I knew what demons were going to be haunting me this Friday the 13th.  As I was relaying my dilemma to my good friend, Katie, these were the only words of encouragement she could offer me:

“Hide.  Just hide.  Lock the door.  Turn the phone off.  Turn the computer off now.” Continue reading “3.15.2015 ~ Relationships Are Hard…”

2.26.2015 ~ A New Life After Divorce…

Sitting and talking with a friend over lunch the other day, I realized something pretty important had happened… Continue reading “2.26.2015 ~ A New Life After Divorce…”

2.1.2014 ~ Dating After Divorce, Fin: I Didn’t Know I Was “The Other Woman”

The Other Woman….to some of you, it’s just a cute, little romantic comedy where three women find out they’re in relationships with the same man and decide to exact revenge and come out better people, better women, in the process. Continue reading “2.1.2014 ~ Dating After Divorce, Fin: I Didn’t Know I Was “The Other Woman””

12.19.2014 ~ Dating After Divorce, Part Three: Even In Fairy Tales, Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

It is Christmas, and as I sit down to write this thoughtful piece, I find myself reminded of a particularly relevant Christmas movie quote:

“Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.” – Ralphie, A Christmas Story

So true, Ralphie, SO TRUE.

You know, I had this whole intention to drag this part of my story out.  Make the Dating After Divorce series an eight-parter, and really delve into what happened between John and I.  This relationship meant a great deal to me after my divorce, but I really don’t want to write about it anymore.  John is gone.  There’s nothing I can do about that, and continuing to write about him won’t do anyone any good.

Unbelievably, I did fall in love with John.  I fell in love with him fairly quickly, and I was pretty sure he felt the same.  No, it wasn’t the kind of love that you build over a lifetime.  It wasn’t the kind of love that you would fight for and would die for, day in and day out (at least, not yet).  But it was the kind of love that got me to thinking that there was SOMEONE ELSE out there that I would fight for…SOMEONE ELSE to make me see that there are some things in this world that I would give anything for.

John’s love was one of those things that I might have given anything for.  And at nearly the precise moment I realized I didn’t need to give anything to get it, John completely disappeared from my life.

At the height of my revelry, when my joy was at its zenith, when all was most right with the world, the most unthinkable disaster descended upon me.

It was devastating each day that tick-tocked by.  I didn’t know if John was dead, I didn’t know if he had been hurt, I didn’t know if he had just lied to me about everything. I didn’t know…PERIOD.  I sent John a final text message one month after his disappearance imploring him to say something to me, anything.  And when I didn’t hear back, well, what could I do?  I patched up my broken heart, and I kept trucking.

Four days later, though, I received a reply.  I won’t go into every detail of what John said because, honestly, some of it is crazy, some of it you’d never believe, and well, some of it is stuff I just want to keep to myself.

In a nutshell, though, John told me that he had fallen for me hard, but for where he was in his life and career, he just couldn’t see having that kind of relationship and making it work.  He said he would miss me, and he hoped that I would find someone who cared for me the way he did.  He said he would always remember me.

Bullshit is a word that crossed my mind a time or two…

Then, as I often do, I began to think with my heart.  And somewhere in the jumble of thoughts and feelings, notions and emotions, I came to a conclusion.  It’s not a novel idea or anything; it’s even a bit cliché.

break-up-Heartbroken-Missing-You-Broken-Hearted-Letting-Go-Sad-Love-quotes-1636

Love was not enough to get me to stay in my marriage.  I loved Haywood with all my heart, and I still have love for him to do this day.  But the love I had for him was not enough to overcome the problems that plagued our relationship.  It was not enough for us to truly make a life together in the midst of the struggle, pain, and woe.  It was not enough to make me stay in a life that no longer made sense to me.

And love was not enough to make John stay.  No matter how amazing our love was, no matter how many fairy tale moments we shared and might have shared in the future, he found that he could not sacrifice the life that he was on the path to obtaining for our love.  And that’s what love is, really.  It’s sacrifice.  A part of loving others means that you have to be willing to give certain things up.  It’s the price we pay for the great reward of giving love, and being loved in return.

This part of my story is over, John and I’s story is over.  But I will always be grateful for the great love that John showed me that whole magical summer.  It was literally unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life, and I have to be satisfied that he made me happy, even if it was only for a little while.

To end, I’ll leave it with John’s own words.  I always thought it funny, but years before he had met me, it seemed John had written the song that would define our relationship to me.

“The farther apart we get, we still feel closer than most, It’s an honor to present you these roses, It’s nice to know at least with the band and with Scar, and The Remnant, Some of these sentiments can come to light, And I can only be who I am, Cause you are what you’ve been, I hope that you’ll remember you’re my sunlight, Love.”

12.14.2014 ~ Dating After Divorce, Part Two: First Dates

Let’s talk about first dates for a minute.  First dates, generally, suck.

You’re filled with anxiety and the need to be on your “best behavior”, which really means you try to be “a you” that doesn’t exist in real life.  You go through a great deal of trouble simply preparing for the date, and you do so not even knowing if the person you’ll be spending a few hours with that night will even be someone you see again after it’s all said and done with.  Every first date is a risk, and taking risks is scary.

Since my divorce, I’ve taken a few risks.  And in doing so, I have had both the worst first date of my life, and the best first date in my entire life (so far).

THE WORST…

I went on a dinner date recently with this guy named Elijah.  He was a handsome guy, a standup comedian by trade, and he seemed, at first glance, to be a completely normal human male.  God, was I wrong…so epically wrong!

After about forty five minutes into the date, I realized Elijah was an arrogant, over-bearing, over-the-top, damn near militant asshole.  Everything he said was law.  If he made some grand observation about life, and I tried to engage in the dialogue, he would tell me I was wrong or I didn’t understand the issue.  And then he would start trying to touch me, kiss me even, like he earned that right just by showing up.  The guy made my skin crawl in every possible way.

Finally, when I had cringed I don’t know how many times at his physical advances, he asked me, “Aren’t you attracted to me?”  I told him that physically, I thought he was handsome, but I just didn’t think our personalities were matched.  And this subtle rejection, apparently, touched some kind of nerve because the next thing out of his mouth was, “You know what?  That’s the problem with you white women dating black men.  You find a REAL black man with an opinion and you don’t want him.”

I looked at the guy for about thirty seconds and did the only thing that made sense to me at the time.  I got in my purse, took $20 out of my wallet, stood up, put the money on the table, and said, “This is for my dinner.  It was nice to meet you.”  And I walked away.

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I still don’t understand how or why I did it.  God knows I’ve never done anything like that in my life.  A younger version of me likely would have stuck it out, tried to make something out of nothing.  I could say that I reacted that way because it was just a little too soon after John, but honestly, I think I’ve just reached a point in my life where I can’t tolerate the bullshit.  Plus…the guy was just a dick.

THE BEST…

We can now rewind to the not-so-distant past to a not-so-average Friday night in the month of June.  Later, John and I would joke that our first date was really like three dates wrapped into one.  And it was kind of true, we certainly did meander around Hacienda Heights like we both had ADD and couldn’t decide what we wanted to do.

Dinner at a Chinese place, a quick drink at Outback, and a night of pool, dancing and new friends at a surprisingly amazing dive bar found on Yelp…these are the places, the activities.  I know it doesn’t sound like much, but what I realized about that night was that it wasn’t some epic first date because of what we did, or where we found ourselves.  It was an epic first date because of how we made one another feel.

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John was funny, smart, kind, a perfect gentleman and a million other wonderful things.  And the way he looked at me, it was like he had found the most spectacular thing in the world and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have discovered it.

If I’m at all honest with myself, I have to say I felt the same.  I just can’t even begin to describe what was going on in my head and heart at the time.  I wasn’t expecting to feel that way about someone, and especially not on a first date!  I mean, does that even happen in real life?  Can you fall for someone the first day you meet them?  Is that allowed of a grown adult with complete common sense?

I don’t really have the answers to those questions.  But what I do know for sure is that when the night came to its inevitable close, John said something to me that I’ll never forget.  It’s one of those things, it seems kind of crazy as I think about it now. He looked me straight in my eyes, and with that little smirk that he always seemed to have, he said, “I know this may sound weird, but, I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

And I didn’t.

11.7.2014 ~ Dating After Divorce, Part One

It’s one of those overcast, hazy kind of days in California that I’m still getting used to.  It reminds me of those fall and winter mornings back home in Missouri, where the full cover of the clouds in the sky seemed to blanket the earth in a tone of gray.  When those kinds of days came around, it usually meant snow was on its way.

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There’s NO chance of that happening here.  No, most likely it’ll fade around noon, and the sun will shine down with a clear blue sky as its companion.

I wish the cloudiness of my mind could fade so easily.  Unfortunately the mind is a much more complicated animal than the steady and true weather patterns of the Great State of California.

Today, I have a lot of competing thoughts on my mind.  My grandmother’s death and all the memories I have of her are still fresh in my mind, but thoughts of John are sprinkled in there, as well. God, if this man wasn’t such an idiot, he’d be the most amazing man I ever met!  I’ve been trying to forget him, but it’s pretty hard when he does something like overnight a beautiful porcelain angel with a note about how sorry he was for my family’s loss.

You know, when I set out to begin dating in California, I never imagined that I would find myself in this predicament of such emotion.  I remember telling myself, “Just go meet people.  Don’t get serious.  Have a little fun, babes, you’ve earned it!”

And I did, for a time.  I started my dating life in California with a very “fun” guy.  Terry lived in San Diego, and was a 28 year old personal trainer. He was a sweet, entertaining, extremely handsome guy, but I realized after about a month that there wasn’t much between us.  Terry was the easy choice, someone that didn’t take a lot of effort, wasn’t offering much and didn’t ask for much in return.

He was what I needed at the time, and let’s be honest, for a lot of people (myself included) it’s just too hard to be alone right after a divorce.  You don’t really want a relationship, but you still want to be held, you want someone to validate you, to tell you you’re beautiful, to remind you that you’re still desirable.  It’s a completely selfish need, and one that is tied up in all the insecurity and low self-esteem that only a divorce can bring upon you.

After I said goodbye to Terry, I thought to myself, maybe I just shouldn’t date at all for a little while.  I was at a point where I was building up my life again.  I had found a good job that I loved, I was spending time with my family, and I was making new friends.  Life began to seem not so desolate, and I felt myself returning to, well, me.  I was me again, and that was a pretty spectacular feeling.

And while I was sitting there so amused by my changing circumstances, something happened that I wasn’t expecting.  This one guy sent me a message on a dating site I had set up on a whim.  I hadn’t put much stock in it when I put up my profile, and I hadn’t even really put my heart into it when I first set it up.

divorce-hard-part-attractive

But there was something about this particular man, the way he talked to me, the kindness in his eyes in his photos, how he approached me in his messages.   Well, I couldn’t resist.  And so it was that when John finally called me and asked me on our first date, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.  I had NO IDEA at the time that I was setting in motion what would be my first real relationship after my divorce, a relationship that would end entirely too soon and in the most peculiar way.

4.18.2014 ~ How Lucky I Am To Have Something That Makes Saying Goodbye So Hard…

I can’t take credit for that title…it’s actually from Winnie the Pooh.  And as with so much children’s literature, I find the words mean monumentally more to me as I get older.

Hello, my loves.  I’ve been putting off writing this post for some time now.  There’s something about committing  words “to paper”, and then putting those words out into the wide, wide world that can make something so irrevocable, so binding, so…final.

For the past few months, I’ve been living in a constant state of indecision.  And the one thing that I’ve learned is that when you can’t make a decision, life becomes stagnant.  You see, in order to move forward in life, you have to decide.  It doesn’t matter what you decide (hopefully we can all decide to do what’s right for our lives), but at some point, we have to choose either way – right or wrong.

You all may have noticed that there has been a lack of regular posting here at Curvy in Kansas City.  At least, I haven’t been posting as often as I used to.  And I’ve certainly not been as involved in the local fashion community as much as I used to, either.  I have had to pass up event after event, and meeting after meeting.  And for those of you that have reached out to me for advice or assistance, I am truly sorry for not being able to give you my full support and attention.  It has not been my intention to neglect you, or to withdraw my support from you.

The truth is that Curvy in Kansas City has had to take a backseat to my pending divorce and move from Kansas City.  Wow, just saying that was overwhelming…

I am 31 years old, and the life that I thought I had, the life that I had been building so carefully and with such passion over the last five years is now coming to an end.  I am not going to speak much to the reason for this cataclysmic event in my life.  Some of you must be sitting there asking yourselves, “Why?  What happened? But you two always seem so happy???”

Haywood and I have shared so many joyful moments together, and when you, my friends, my family, my readers have seen these times, you can trust and believe that they have been genuine.  We love each other today as we have always loved each other, but the issues that have brought us to this point in our lives are matters between the two of us, and we ask that you all respect our situation and our privacy when it comes to them.  We thank you for your support, your love, and your understanding.

collageSo what does this mean for Curvy in Kansas City?  What does that mean for me?  On May 23rd I will be packing the Prius and hitting the road with my best friend in tow (temporarily in tow, anyway), ready to start anew in the Sunshine State.  I can’t deny the draw that California has had for me.  In the last year or so, I’ve hopped a plane six times to see my California family and friends, and to take care of business.  When it came time to think about where I would want to go if I didn’t stay in Kansas City, the decision, honestly, was already made for me.

It seems a bit cliché, I suppose.  I will, like so many others before me, pursue my dreams out west.  But I can’t even begin to say how excited that I really am.  Sure I’m a bit fearful, a bit anxious, but I’ve always believed in a human being’s ability to reinvent, to rebirth themselves into a life that is altogether whole and meaningful.

Is it a coincidence that I choose to reveal this chapter’s end on Good Friday?  Yes, but it certainly is fitting.  On Good Friday, we remember the day that Jesus willingly suffered and died by crucifixion as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.  It is followed by Easter, the joyous celebration of the day that Jesus rose from the dead, exclaimed his victory over death and sin, and pointed ahead to a future resurrection for all who are united by faith in him.

Death and rebirth…the end and the beginning.

I will not be going away, dear readers.  No, I certainly will not.  The journey I am about to embark on will be one of the most exciting of my life, and you’re all in the passenger seat.  I look forward to sharing this adventure with you, and while my location may change, my heart and my mission will remain the same.  Stick with me, my loves, it only gets better from here.

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